Overuse of Viagra resulted in lost of manhood

This was one bet Benson Wong was determined to win, but the cost was too much for him; for any man.

Toronto newspaper, The Sun, reports the 42-year-old Asian man suffered severe genital damage after taking 7 bottles of Viagra pills for an apparent 12-hour sex romp at the Red Dress Burlesque House.

Two individuals, a man and a woman who is to remain nameless during the investigation, told Toronto police they bet Mr. Wong $2.13 that he wouldn't be able to satisfy them during a non-stop half day sex marathon. Minutes after they began engaging in sexual activities, Wong suffered massive unrinary bleeding and started having epileptic seizures.

The two individuals assumed Wong was attempting a new form of foreplay and began to sadomize Wong and each other. It wasn't until 30 minutes later that the two suspected something was wrong. "He usually reacts when we punch him in the babymaker. We knew something was wrong when he didn't stop us after the twelve time. That's usually his limit."

A representative of Red Dress who identified herself only as Mistress Pandora, seen on the left with Wong, said "We called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do for Mr. Wong."

"He was a new client of mine. He's been coming here for months. It's unfortunate that this kind of thing had to happen. Usually he sticks to the S&M package of verbal and emotional abuse. I guess he must've forgotten the safe word."

Medics said his condition was due to the quantity of Viagra he had ingested, which now rendered his member inoperable. Investigations are underway to determine if there was foul play, but it may be doubtful as Wong was a frequent visitor at Red Dress with no prior complications.

There are 30 pills in an average 100mg bottle of Viagra. Over a dozen empty bottles were found on Wong's person when emergency services arrived, and an additional 4 unopened bottles along with his personal affects.

Although medically impossible, Wong remained positive that one day he'll be able to make use of his reproductive organs again. Wong said "Technically, I didn't lose the bet. They were quite satisfied even before I bled out down there. So I'm going to take the hard earned dollars and invest it."

In what?

"Stronger Viagra."

Unusual case of Hoof's Disease after player injects foot

An attempt by Sunny Ho to boost his athletic prowess went awry yesterday when the basketball superstar injected what he thought were steroids into his foot, resulting in a case of Hoof's Disease.

His human foot turned horse hoof will likely keep him off the courts for the rest of the season, and the basketball player faces charges for drug use.

“I honestly thought it was HGH (Human Growth Hormone),” Ho said at a conference last night. “Instead, the label actually read 'Horse Growth Hormone'. I guess this could be good. Make a super foot and run fast, right?” His foot, now permanently shaped like a horse's leg, will require extensive surgery to return to normal.

Some aren't convinced that Ho's curious case was an accident. “He’s come into our office asking about creating bionic appendages before,” says one doctor who declined to use her real name. “(He asked about) arms, legs, hands, even genitals. When we told him it wasn’t advisable, he gave us the finger and ran away with tears in his eyes. Maybe this is how he decided to achieve his goal. Maybe it wasn't a mistake.”

This is not the first bump in Ho’s tumultuous career. In his rookie season last year, Ho was indicted for participating in an underground dog competition.

“I remember hearing the stories about Michael Vick (who bet on dog fights in the summer of 2007) and I knew I wanted some of that. But then I thought, Sunny, you’re much classier than dog fights. So instead I decided to bet on dog gambling.”

(photo captured during police raid on Ho's Mansion)

The short-lived underground league, involving dog-Texas Hold’em and dog-5-card-stud, was quickly shut down by PETA under the cruelty to animals act. For his involvement, Ho spent two months in celebutante Paris Hilton’s old jail cell.

“It’s all good” said a resilient Ho. “What’s that saying? Every closed door is an open window? People are always looking for special talents, and this horse hoof can be a blessing.”

Ho is currently trying out for the Toronto FC soccer team. He has also applied to a local Clown College.

Police raid "bizarre" chop shop

A police raid on a suspected chop shop ended in a bizarre twist early this morning in Toronto's west end. When Toronto police bursted into the privately owned warehouse, they were shocked to find the most bizarre array of automobile modifications they'd ever seen.

"It was like something out of Alice in Wonderland" said one officer.

Police had been on the search for over 50 stolen cars, as well as entire shipments of Honda, Mercedes, and Audi parts that had inexplicably disappeared from shops across the GTA. However, when they arrived at the scene early in the morning, they found that those missing cars and parts had been combined into strange, albeit unique creations.

"We were immediately suspicious when we saw an old Fiat with what appeared to be snowmobile skis out front" said one officer. "The dogs smelled motor oil so we knew we were at the right place."

Inside, police were shocked to find strange modifications of all sorts.

"There was a car shaped like a shoe, a car that looked like some kind of yellow cartoon rat... far too many for me to name. It's one of the craziest cases I've ever been a part of."

The shop's owner, a Mr. Jason Kwan, was arrested on site and brought to a local police station for questioning. When asked about his bizarre work, he told police "Ever since I saw the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile, I've had an obsession for modding cars. But it's just such an expensive passion! Then I came up with the perfect solution. Borrow people's boring, everyday cars, and mod them into unique works of art! I don't understand what the problem is here. I was going to return them after I was done, better than new! It was a solution that benefited everyone!"

It turns out Mr. Kwan had been involved in a similar incident two years ago in which a woman (who has requested to remain anonymous) parked her Hummer outside her apartment building, only to return the next day and discover her vehicle's tires had been replaced with wagon wheels!


"I'm glad they caught him" she said. "But at the same time, I do get more attention than ever in my new car. They're way better than spinners."

"That was my first work" Mr. Kwan admitted. "I'd just recently been to an Amish village and I just couldn't help myself. That inspiration was too strong to bottle up."

Due to the unprecedented nature of this case, Mr. Kwan is currently being held in custody while the court hammers out its options. In the meantime, the stolen vehicles are being returned to their rightful owners, though some of them are not in the some condition in which they were stolen.

"This is unbelievable" said Ms. Wendy Armstrong after her vehicle was returned. "I used to drive a BMW. Now I drive a pyramid."