Man ejected from hockey league after questionable hit to entire opposing team

David Kim (pictured) was banned from a local recreational hockey league today when he systematically took out the opposing team's entire unit.

Listed as a 5'10 centre, the bruiser (his teammates nicknamed him "The Pain Train") became fed up in a game in which his team was down 7-2. A questionable call by the ref is reportedly what set him off.
"He's just so quiet and mild mannered" said one of his teammates, who wished to remain anonymous, "he was always the quiet enforcer on our team, but this was something completely different."

Down 5, and with the opposing team having a 2-man advantage, Kim reportedly told his other two teammates to stay back near the goalie while he took the faceoff alone. As soon as the puck was dropped, Kim punted it back with his stick and then slammed into the opposing player with such force that it knocked him out of his skates.

"The guy was stumbling around on all fours, crying on the ice" said one witness. "Even I felt that hit from all the way in the top row."

However, Kim was far from finished. He next targeted the right-wing, checking him so hard that he went through the glass barricade and into the third row of the stands. When the opposing left-wing came to help his teammate, Kim turned and heaved the 250 lbs man over his shoulder and on top of his teammate in the stands. It was after this play that the ref blew the whistle for the first time.

"They were clean hits, but I had to stop the play. Someone was going to die out there!"

The whistle did little though, as Kim continued his onslaught. First grabbed one of the defencemen and, throwing away his stick, powerbombed him into the ice. The poor man's body half submerged into so that only his lower body (waist down) could be seen. The second defencemen, realizing the danger he was in, had already started a retreat by now. Kim pursued him, passing the opposing bench along the way and knocking every single player (including the coach) out with a single outstretched hand. Kim, a lightning quick skater, caught up to his adversary, picked him up, spun him over his head, and threw him into the goalie. The two were incapacitated inside the opposing net.

By now, he'd been assigned four penalties, plus an additional penalty for each player he attacked on the opposing bench. When all was done, Dave Kim ended the game with an astounding 19 penalties, an unequivocal record for a player in a single game. Afterward, the league president was quick to issue strict punishment. "We have no choice but to suspend Mr. Kim for the rest of the season. If he wishes to appeal the situation he's going to have to... wait, what?? He's outside!? Barricade the doors! No, don't let him in! No! Nooooo!"

When asked about the incident, all Mr. Kim had to say was "that's just how I am. Don't push me, and I won't push back."

Ed. Note: It should be noted that while giving his final statement, Mr. Kim's eyes glowed an eerie red.

Age of War - The Occupation

General Tsang's occupation was the most brutal period in China's history. It began several months after the takeover of the capital. With his military dictatorship fixated on attaining more power, Tsang's first act as ruler was to begin building fleets of warships, tanks and a vast army to invade the surrounding areas. Tsang and his army headed south from the capital conquering all cities along its way. However, Tsang's campaign was soon halted at what is now known as the "Massacre of Chengdu."

It is a well documented fact that Tsang detested Chengdu for what they had done to him in the past. The city was a constant reminder of Tsang's younger and weaker self. When his army arrived to Chengdu, Tsang perpetrated a coordinated scheme of choco-strip-mining, forced labor, and choco-genocide on a massive scale. This brutality led to the chocolate addiction of millions. Not even children escaped the brutal overdose of chocolate into their diet. Tsang interned the citizens in labour camps for various purposes, many of which was to harvest the ingredients to make his chocolate. Conditions at these camps were so harsh that every citizen knew assignment to a labor camp was essentially a death sentence. Fed only chocolate sixteen times a day, many would die of thirst or lack of bowel movements.

Several months into the occupation, the citizens formed a coordinated movement aiming to free China from the occupation and called themselves the Choco-Hating Army of Dudes, also known as C.H.A.D. Its leader, Chad Lin, was a political activist before the Tsang army conquered his hometown of Wuhan. He was brought to the choco-processing center in Chengu where he met fellow citizens who felt the same as he did about the occupation. He gathered support from many of the people in the camp and began an uprising against the occupying forces. Soon, many choco-processing facilities came to a halt due to sabotages and other acts of terrorism, all of which C.H.A.D. claimed responsibility for.

An obviously displeased General Tsang ordered more troops to Chengdu in an attempt to circumvent the C.H.A.D. and its followers, however, it was more than the general can handle. Months went by without progress and the general was growing tiresome. Random interrogations were conducted, some involving choco-torture and others involving non-choco-item bribes, all to capture the members of C.H.A.D. With sabotages still occuring, Tsang was forced to deploy his biogenic weapon in order to wipe out the C.H.A.D.

Tsang had several of his elite guards undergo Cellular Interfibrosis Neoplasm Enzymes treatment or C.E.L.I.N.E. Once the injection enters the bloodstream, these C.E.L.I.N.E. units becomes one of the worlds most savage and efficient tickling machines. The is the only surviving photo where the C.E.L.I.N.E. unit demonstrated its awesome power of tickling. The photo depicts the chocolaty-remains of individuals on the wall after they had combusted due to C.E.L.I.N.E. units' savage tickling. Scientists believe the units quenched their thirsts on bloody, yet chocolatey, remains of their victims as an adaptation on tribal groups celebration of victories.

These units were soon deployed in various areas of Chengdu by orders of General Tsang. Its purpose was to serve as a reminder for anyone who would go against him. Unfortunately, Tsang could not foresee the uncontrollable bloodlust in these C.E.L.I.N.E units. Within a matter of days, the C.E.L.I.N.E. units annihilated the Chengdu population, and the world came to know this incident as the "Massacre at Chengdu." There were no survivors.