Age of War - Beginnings

A number of leaders across Asia have stifled political opposition, and denied religious freedom and freedom of expression to their people. They imprisoned, tortured, and executed citizens who spoke out against dictatorial rule. North Korea has Kim Jong-il, Burma has Than Shwe, and Uzbekistan has Islam Karimov, but for a long time now, one dictator has gone unchecked.

General Ed Tsang Chi-Zhu of the People's Republic of China successfully overthrew the government after several brutal skirmishes against the capital.


Born in Chongqing, Central China, Tsang had a peaceful childhood. He was the ninth of thirteen children in a proud farming family. In his teenage years, the Tsang family moved often. It was believed at one point Tsang lived outside of China, however, scholars concluded it to be an unlikely scenario. Eventually Tsang settled in Chengdu, China. The young Tsang was a poor student in school. He failed several grades and had to repeat them. Despite his efforts, it led to his eventual drop out. At the age of 17, Tsang was reported in several documents involving Chocolate abuse. He was reported to have been streaking in public fully covered in chocolate and screaming "I am Count Chocula. Suck me up." He became obsessed with everything chocolate, regardless of their type, brand and minty-ness. It got to the point where the city of Chengdu could no longer contain Tsang. Chengdu banned all forms of chocolate from the city, to which Tsang vowed that Chengdu will answer for their sins.

Early in his military career, General Tsang led of the military's intelligence organization known as the "Salty Wet Order." The SWO was regarded as one of the most brutally efficient organizations in the world. The organization's purpose was to keep close tabs on all citizens to ensure loyalty, and was greatly feared. It has been rumored that if an individual were to be captured by Tsang's SWO, he or she would forever be sexually addicted to feet. Historians and scholars believed Tsang would manipulate the prisoner's sexual behaviours to extract intelligence information, a technique which even the CIA disapproved of. Although there have not been any recorded cases of how the interrogation process was conducted, many believe General Tsang would lick the feet of the captured into submission. Simulations and tests showed this technique to be highly effective.

Later on in his military career, Tsang was promoted to General of the People's Republic Army by President Cindy Xu. Although many believed the relationship between Xu and Tsang was the cause for the promotion, a widely accepted truth was that this rise to power became the catalyst for the Tsang's eventual takeover.

Soon after the Tsang's campaign, President Xu was forcefully removed from office and was now serving as General Tsang's 3rd concubine. Originally, Xu was to be Tsang's 5th concubine, however, Tsang had two of his concubines executed due to their inability to provide breast milk for his breast milk chocolates.

Perhaps after seeing the complacency that was the Chinese government's downfall, the United Nations has jump started itself into action against this charismatic dictator. Recently, they formed the emergency AAEF (Allied Anti-Eddie Force) in an effort to stem the General's push into East Asia. Unfortunately, early reports suggest that two operations have already failed, leading to the foot-torture and loss of five agents.

More on this story as it develops.

Overuse of Viagra resulted in lost of manhood

This was one bet Benson Wong was determined to win, but the cost was too much for him; for any man.

Toronto newspaper, The Sun, reports the 42-year-old Asian man suffered severe genital damage after taking 7 bottles of Viagra pills for an apparent 12-hour sex romp at the Red Dress Burlesque House.

Two individuals, a man and a woman who is to remain nameless during the investigation, told Toronto police they bet Mr. Wong $2.13 that he wouldn't be able to satisfy them during a non-stop half day sex marathon. Minutes after they began engaging in sexual activities, Wong suffered massive unrinary bleeding and started having epileptic seizures.

The two individuals assumed Wong was attempting a new form of foreplay and began to sadomize Wong and each other. It wasn't until 30 minutes later that the two suspected something was wrong. "He usually reacts when we punch him in the babymaker. We knew something was wrong when he didn't stop us after the twelve time. That's usually his limit."

A representative of Red Dress who identified herself only as Mistress Pandora, seen on the left with Wong, said "We called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do for Mr. Wong."

"He was a new client of mine. He's been coming here for months. It's unfortunate that this kind of thing had to happen. Usually he sticks to the S&M package of verbal and emotional abuse. I guess he must've forgotten the safe word."

Medics said his condition was due to the quantity of Viagra he had ingested, which now rendered his member inoperable. Investigations are underway to determine if there was foul play, but it may be doubtful as Wong was a frequent visitor at Red Dress with no prior complications.

There are 30 pills in an average 100mg bottle of Viagra. Over a dozen empty bottles were found on Wong's person when emergency services arrived, and an additional 4 unopened bottles along with his personal affects.

Although medically impossible, Wong remained positive that one day he'll be able to make use of his reproductive organs again. Wong said "Technically, I didn't lose the bet. They were quite satisfied even before I bled out down there. So I'm going to take the hard earned dollars and invest it."

In what?

"Stronger Viagra."

Unusual case of Hoof's Disease after player injects foot

An attempt by Sunny Ho to boost his athletic prowess went awry yesterday when the basketball superstar injected what he thought were steroids into his foot, resulting in a case of Hoof's Disease.

His human foot turned horse hoof will likely keep him off the courts for the rest of the season, and the basketball player faces charges for drug use.

“I honestly thought it was HGH (Human Growth Hormone),” Ho said at a conference last night. “Instead, the label actually read 'Horse Growth Hormone'. I guess this could be good. Make a super foot and run fast, right?” His foot, now permanently shaped like a horse's leg, will require extensive surgery to return to normal.

Some aren't convinced that Ho's curious case was an accident. “He’s come into our office asking about creating bionic appendages before,” says one doctor who declined to use her real name. “(He asked about) arms, legs, hands, even genitals. When we told him it wasn’t advisable, he gave us the finger and ran away with tears in his eyes. Maybe this is how he decided to achieve his goal. Maybe it wasn't a mistake.”

This is not the first bump in Ho’s tumultuous career. In his rookie season last year, Ho was indicted for participating in an underground dog competition.

“I remember hearing the stories about Michael Vick (who bet on dog fights in the summer of 2007) and I knew I wanted some of that. But then I thought, Sunny, you’re much classier than dog fights. So instead I decided to bet on dog gambling.”

(photo captured during police raid on Ho's Mansion)

The short-lived underground league, involving dog-Texas Hold’em and dog-5-card-stud, was quickly shut down by PETA under the cruelty to animals act. For his involvement, Ho spent two months in celebutante Paris Hilton’s old jail cell.

“It’s all good” said a resilient Ho. “What’s that saying? Every closed door is an open window? People are always looking for special talents, and this horse hoof can be a blessing.”

Ho is currently trying out for the Toronto FC soccer team. He has also applied to a local Clown College.

Police raid "bizarre" chop shop

A police raid on a suspected chop shop ended in a bizarre twist early this morning in Toronto's west end. When Toronto police bursted into the privately owned warehouse, they were shocked to find the most bizarre array of automobile modifications they'd ever seen.

"It was like something out of Alice in Wonderland" said one officer.

Police had been on the search for over 50 stolen cars, as well as entire shipments of Honda, Mercedes, and Audi parts that had inexplicably disappeared from shops across the GTA. However, when they arrived at the scene early in the morning, they found that those missing cars and parts had been combined into strange, albeit unique creations.

"We were immediately suspicious when we saw an old Fiat with what appeared to be snowmobile skis out front" said one officer. "The dogs smelled motor oil so we knew we were at the right place."

Inside, police were shocked to find strange modifications of all sorts.

"There was a car shaped like a shoe, a car that looked like some kind of yellow cartoon rat... far too many for me to name. It's one of the craziest cases I've ever been a part of."

The shop's owner, a Mr. Jason Kwan, was arrested on site and brought to a local police station for questioning. When asked about his bizarre work, he told police "Ever since I saw the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile, I've had an obsession for modding cars. But it's just such an expensive passion! Then I came up with the perfect solution. Borrow people's boring, everyday cars, and mod them into unique works of art! I don't understand what the problem is here. I was going to return them after I was done, better than new! It was a solution that benefited everyone!"

It turns out Mr. Kwan had been involved in a similar incident two years ago in which a woman (who has requested to remain anonymous) parked her Hummer outside her apartment building, only to return the next day and discover her vehicle's tires had been replaced with wagon wheels!


"I'm glad they caught him" she said. "But at the same time, I do get more attention than ever in my new car. They're way better than spinners."

"That was my first work" Mr. Kwan admitted. "I'd just recently been to an Amish village and I just couldn't help myself. That inspiration was too strong to bottle up."

Due to the unprecedented nature of this case, Mr. Kwan is currently being held in custody while the court hammers out its options. In the meantime, the stolen vehicles are being returned to their rightful owners, though some of them are not in the some condition in which they were stolen.

"This is unbelievable" said Ms. Wendy Armstrong after her vehicle was returned. "I used to drive a BMW. Now I drive a pyramid."

Montreal woman goes for record 22nd marriage

It has been said that that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. However, if that statistic is an average, then they may want to rewrite the formula because Diana Hsiang is a major skew.

The 26 year old doctor-to-be is now into her 22nd engagement and, if she goes through with the wedding, would hold the Guinness world record for most weddings, beating Linda Lou Essex, yet in a much shorter time span.

When asked about her habit for marrying and then divorcing men, Diana seemed apologetic toward her previous suitors, yet saw no social problem with her actions.

"I don't know. My tastes just change so rapidly! One day I'll love a guy and then next day I'll wake up and hate his guts. I guess I'm just a bit schizophrenic."

Her suitors have ranged from men as young as graduating high school, to men on their deathbeds. Although it was suspected early on that Ms. Hsiang was running a scam, it turned out she never made off with any of her divorcee's assets.

"The money? No it was never about that. It was always about the love."

If one looks at her history, one would quickly conclude that Ms. Hsiang is not attracted to the "common" cast of characters. For example, her 8th husband was a professional dodgeball player convinced he was a pirate. "He was so hot! I think he reminded me of Johnny Depp. I mean, he looked so much like him, and when we went out everyone was always staring. I loved every always thinking I was Johnny Depp's lover!"












Husband number 16 was a Latvian dictator who refused to ever take a carefully crafted metal suit off. "I think that was when I went through my power phase. Power is sexy after all. I mean, how many girls can say they were married to a man with his own country!? He kept wanting everyone to call him "Doctor Doom," but he'll always be my puddy-kins!"











Ms. Hsiang's current husband-to-be goes by the name "Frank" (pictured below with maid-of-honor, Sophie) and runs a small burger shop in old Quebec. He measures a massive 7ft tall. "It's the height. I love tall men. I keep telling him to enter the NBA, but he keeps refusing. It's so cute, all he ever does is grunt at me."

It should be noted that Frank is currently under police investigation for claims of "not being human." Given Ms. Hsiang's history though, it hardly seems like that will stop him from becoming husband number 22.

Police continue search for bus stop pervert

A rash of incidents at Japanese bus stops continued Thursday as a man, 20-30, lifted up a school girl's skirt as she waited to go to school. The man then fled on foot and remains at large. This is the eleventh such incident in the past month.

"This man, he has no honor" said Japanese student Asako Tanaka. "If I ever meet him I will curse his family name!"

A passerby was able to snap a quick photo on a cell phone moments before the incident. This photo is now being posted as a warning at bus stops to alert young women to the potential danger.

"What we ask is for young girls to sit inside the bus terminal, or even to wear pants, though this is not an option in many schools. Also, be aware of your surroundings and try to ride the bus with a friend" said Japanese Bus spokesman, Hideki.

"We would also like to announce that we will start selling a line of security products starting today. These can be worn under the skirt and deliver a mild electric shock to anyone who tries to reach underneath. We also have an economy brand that works like a mousetrap."

The incidents reportedly began in mid-december when a man lifted 3 skirts at a rural bus stop. Since then, the individual seems to be moving inward towards the busier parts of the city.

"He was probably just some poor lonely guy before the holidays, someone who thought it'd give him some purpose. But now he's getting more gutsy" said Police Chief Morimoto. "Each 'attack'

has occured in increasingly populated areas. But it's just a matter of time. I have over a dozen undercover officers waiting with a nasty surprise the next time he shows up."

What was the nasty surprise that Chief Morimoto spoke of?

"They're men."

Although the police do not yet have a name for their suspect, they have made a computer generated artists rendition of the perpetrator. If seen, please call 1-800-STOP-HIM. Suspect is considered 'armed', and perverted.

Accidental Transgender

Meet Eldona Kao (left). You may not recognize her but you would definitely remember the trends in fashion she help set -- when she was a man. "He" (originally Eldon) was featured in numerous times in Vogue magazine as one of the boldest designer the world has seen and has won many fashion awards across the globe.

For Eldona, the transformation ended up costing her $125,000 worth of plastic surgery and Dr. Diana Hsiang was responsible for Eldona's transformation.

"There were like... health risk factors that I was like... I could not let him, her, leave without like ... helping him.. her." claimed a concerned Hsiang

Upon further investigation, Hsiang was found to be involved in several cases of medical malpractices. When asked about these allegations, Hsiang could not be reached for comments.

"Originally I went in for a routine check up," said Kao, "but she (Hsiang) kept on saying these things and forced me into surgery. I thought she was a competent surgeon, but I now know she's anything but."

For now, Eldona can only look forward. "I've had my nose done about three times, my forehead, my cheeks, my lips, my breasts, my thighs," she explained. "Thank the Lord for plastic surgeons, because without them, I would be nothing!" she says with a laugh. "I look at who I was and who I am now. I'm comfortable either way."

Despite all that has happened to Eldona, she continues her work in fashion and design. Her story is a part of "Trantasia," a new documentary on DVD.