Man ejected from hockey league after questionable hit to entire opposing team

David Kim (pictured) was banned from a local recreational hockey league today when he systematically took out the opposing team's entire unit.

Listed as a 5'10 centre, the bruiser (his teammates nicknamed him "The Pain Train") became fed up in a game in which his team was down 7-2. A questionable call by the ref is reportedly what set him off.
"He's just so quiet and mild mannered" said one of his teammates, who wished to remain anonymous, "he was always the quiet enforcer on our team, but this was something completely different."

Down 5, and with the opposing team having a 2-man advantage, Kim reportedly told his other two teammates to stay back near the goalie while he took the faceoff alone. As soon as the puck was dropped, Kim punted it back with his stick and then slammed into the opposing player with such force that it knocked him out of his skates.

"The guy was stumbling around on all fours, crying on the ice" said one witness. "Even I felt that hit from all the way in the top row."

However, Kim was far from finished. He next targeted the right-wing, checking him so hard that he went through the glass barricade and into the third row of the stands. When the opposing left-wing came to help his teammate, Kim turned and heaved the 250 lbs man over his shoulder and on top of his teammate in the stands. It was after this play that the ref blew the whistle for the first time.

"They were clean hits, but I had to stop the play. Someone was going to die out there!"

The whistle did little though, as Kim continued his onslaught. First grabbed one of the defencemen and, throwing away his stick, powerbombed him into the ice. The poor man's body half submerged into so that only his lower body (waist down) could be seen. The second defencemen, realizing the danger he was in, had already started a retreat by now. Kim pursued him, passing the opposing bench along the way and knocking every single player (including the coach) out with a single outstretched hand. Kim, a lightning quick skater, caught up to his adversary, picked him up, spun him over his head, and threw him into the goalie. The two were incapacitated inside the opposing net.

By now, he'd been assigned four penalties, plus an additional penalty for each player he attacked on the opposing bench. When all was done, Dave Kim ended the game with an astounding 19 penalties, an unequivocal record for a player in a single game. Afterward, the league president was quick to issue strict punishment. "We have no choice but to suspend Mr. Kim for the rest of the season. If he wishes to appeal the situation he's going to have to... wait, what?? He's outside!? Barricade the doors! No, don't let him in! No! Nooooo!"

When asked about the incident, all Mr. Kim had to say was "that's just how I am. Don't push me, and I won't push back."

Ed. Note: It should be noted that while giving his final statement, Mr. Kim's eyes glowed an eerie red.

Age of War - The Occupation

General Tsang's occupation was the most brutal period in China's history. It began several months after the takeover of the capital. With his military dictatorship fixated on attaining more power, Tsang's first act as ruler was to begin building fleets of warships, tanks and a vast army to invade the surrounding areas. Tsang and his army headed south from the capital conquering all cities along its way. However, Tsang's campaign was soon halted at what is now known as the "Massacre of Chengdu."

It is a well documented fact that Tsang detested Chengdu for what they had done to him in the past. The city was a constant reminder of Tsang's younger and weaker self. When his army arrived to Chengdu, Tsang perpetrated a coordinated scheme of choco-strip-mining, forced labor, and choco-genocide on a massive scale. This brutality led to the chocolate addiction of millions. Not even children escaped the brutal overdose of chocolate into their diet. Tsang interned the citizens in labour camps for various purposes, many of which was to harvest the ingredients to make his chocolate. Conditions at these camps were so harsh that every citizen knew assignment to a labor camp was essentially a death sentence. Fed only chocolate sixteen times a day, many would die of thirst or lack of bowel movements.

Several months into the occupation, the citizens formed a coordinated movement aiming to free China from the occupation and called themselves the Choco-Hating Army of Dudes, also known as C.H.A.D. Its leader, Chad Lin, was a political activist before the Tsang army conquered his hometown of Wuhan. He was brought to the choco-processing center in Chengu where he met fellow citizens who felt the same as he did about the occupation. He gathered support from many of the people in the camp and began an uprising against the occupying forces. Soon, many choco-processing facilities came to a halt due to sabotages and other acts of terrorism, all of which C.H.A.D. claimed responsibility for.

An obviously displeased General Tsang ordered more troops to Chengdu in an attempt to circumvent the C.H.A.D. and its followers, however, it was more than the general can handle. Months went by without progress and the general was growing tiresome. Random interrogations were conducted, some involving choco-torture and others involving non-choco-item bribes, all to capture the members of C.H.A.D. With sabotages still occuring, Tsang was forced to deploy his biogenic weapon in order to wipe out the C.H.A.D.

Tsang had several of his elite guards undergo Cellular Interfibrosis Neoplasm Enzymes treatment or C.E.L.I.N.E. Once the injection enters the bloodstream, these C.E.L.I.N.E. units becomes one of the worlds most savage and efficient tickling machines. The is the only surviving photo where the C.E.L.I.N.E. unit demonstrated its awesome power of tickling. The photo depicts the chocolaty-remains of individuals on the wall after they had combusted due to C.E.L.I.N.E. units' savage tickling. Scientists believe the units quenched their thirsts on bloody, yet chocolatey, remains of their victims as an adaptation on tribal groups celebration of victories.

These units were soon deployed in various areas of Chengdu by orders of General Tsang. Its purpose was to serve as a reminder for anyone who would go against him. Unfortunately, Tsang could not foresee the uncontrollable bloodlust in these C.E.L.I.N.E units. Within a matter of days, the C.E.L.I.N.E. units annihilated the Chengdu population, and the world came to know this incident as the "Massacre at Chengdu." There were no survivors.

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Age of War - Beginnings

A number of leaders across Asia have stifled political opposition, and denied religious freedom and freedom of expression to their people. They imprisoned, tortured, and executed citizens who spoke out against dictatorial rule. North Korea has Kim Jong-il, Burma has Than Shwe, and Uzbekistan has Islam Karimov, but for a long time now, one dictator has gone unchecked.

General Ed Tsang Chi-Zhu of the People's Republic of China successfully overthrew the government after several brutal skirmishes against the capital.


Born in Chongqing, Central China, Tsang had a peaceful childhood. He was the ninth of thirteen children in a proud farming family. In his teenage years, the Tsang family moved often. It was believed at one point Tsang lived outside of China, however, scholars concluded it to be an unlikely scenario. Eventually Tsang settled in Chengdu, China. The young Tsang was a poor student in school. He failed several grades and had to repeat them. Despite his efforts, it led to his eventual drop out. At the age of 17, Tsang was reported in several documents involving Chocolate abuse. He was reported to have been streaking in public fully covered in chocolate and screaming "I am Count Chocula. Suck me up." He became obsessed with everything chocolate, regardless of their type, brand and minty-ness. It got to the point where the city of Chengdu could no longer contain Tsang. Chengdu banned all forms of chocolate from the city, to which Tsang vowed that Chengdu will answer for their sins.

Early in his military career, General Tsang led of the military's intelligence organization known as the "Salty Wet Order." The SWO was regarded as one of the most brutally efficient organizations in the world. The organization's purpose was to keep close tabs on all citizens to ensure loyalty, and was greatly feared. It has been rumored that if an individual were to be captured by Tsang's SWO, he or she would forever be sexually addicted to feet. Historians and scholars believed Tsang would manipulate the prisoner's sexual behaviours to extract intelligence information, a technique which even the CIA disapproved of. Although there have not been any recorded cases of how the interrogation process was conducted, many believe General Tsang would lick the feet of the captured into submission. Simulations and tests showed this technique to be highly effective.

Later on in his military career, Tsang was promoted to General of the People's Republic Army by President Cindy Xu. Although many believed the relationship between Xu and Tsang was the cause for the promotion, a widely accepted truth was that this rise to power became the catalyst for the Tsang's eventual takeover.

Soon after the Tsang's campaign, President Xu was forcefully removed from office and was now serving as General Tsang's 3rd concubine. Originally, Xu was to be Tsang's 5th concubine, however, Tsang had two of his concubines executed due to their inability to provide breast milk for his breast milk chocolates.

Perhaps after seeing the complacency that was the Chinese government's downfall, the United Nations has jump started itself into action against this charismatic dictator. Recently, they formed the emergency AAEF (Allied Anti-Eddie Force) in an effort to stem the General's push into East Asia. Unfortunately, early reports suggest that two operations have already failed, leading to the foot-torture and loss of five agents.

More on this story as it develops.

Overuse of Viagra resulted in lost of manhood

This was one bet Benson Wong was determined to win, but the cost was too much for him; for any man.

Toronto newspaper, The Sun, reports the 42-year-old Asian man suffered severe genital damage after taking 7 bottles of Viagra pills for an apparent 12-hour sex romp at the Red Dress Burlesque House.

Two individuals, a man and a woman who is to remain nameless during the investigation, told Toronto police they bet Mr. Wong $2.13 that he wouldn't be able to satisfy them during a non-stop half day sex marathon. Minutes after they began engaging in sexual activities, Wong suffered massive unrinary bleeding and started having epileptic seizures.

The two individuals assumed Wong was attempting a new form of foreplay and began to sadomize Wong and each other. It wasn't until 30 minutes later that the two suspected something was wrong. "He usually reacts when we punch him in the babymaker. We knew something was wrong when he didn't stop us after the twelve time. That's usually his limit."

A representative of Red Dress who identified herself only as Mistress Pandora, seen on the left with Wong, said "We called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do for Mr. Wong."

"He was a new client of mine. He's been coming here for months. It's unfortunate that this kind of thing had to happen. Usually he sticks to the S&M package of verbal and emotional abuse. I guess he must've forgotten the safe word."

Medics said his condition was due to the quantity of Viagra he had ingested, which now rendered his member inoperable. Investigations are underway to determine if there was foul play, but it may be doubtful as Wong was a frequent visitor at Red Dress with no prior complications.

There are 30 pills in an average 100mg bottle of Viagra. Over a dozen empty bottles were found on Wong's person when emergency services arrived, and an additional 4 unopened bottles along with his personal affects.

Although medically impossible, Wong remained positive that one day he'll be able to make use of his reproductive organs again. Wong said "Technically, I didn't lose the bet. They were quite satisfied even before I bled out down there. So I'm going to take the hard earned dollars and invest it."

In what?

"Stronger Viagra."

Unusual case of Hoof's Disease after player injects foot

An attempt by Sunny Ho to boost his athletic prowess went awry yesterday when the basketball superstar injected what he thought were steroids into his foot, resulting in a case of Hoof's Disease.

His human foot turned horse hoof will likely keep him off the courts for the rest of the season, and the basketball player faces charges for drug use.

“I honestly thought it was HGH (Human Growth Hormone),” Ho said at a conference last night. “Instead, the label actually read 'Horse Growth Hormone'. I guess this could be good. Make a super foot and run fast, right?” His foot, now permanently shaped like a horse's leg, will require extensive surgery to return to normal.

Some aren't convinced that Ho's curious case was an accident. “He’s come into our office asking about creating bionic appendages before,” says one doctor who declined to use her real name. “(He asked about) arms, legs, hands, even genitals. When we told him it wasn’t advisable, he gave us the finger and ran away with tears in his eyes. Maybe this is how he decided to achieve his goal. Maybe it wasn't a mistake.”

This is not the first bump in Ho’s tumultuous career. In his rookie season last year, Ho was indicted for participating in an underground dog competition.

“I remember hearing the stories about Michael Vick (who bet on dog fights in the summer of 2007) and I knew I wanted some of that. But then I thought, Sunny, you’re much classier than dog fights. So instead I decided to bet on dog gambling.”

(photo captured during police raid on Ho's Mansion)

The short-lived underground league, involving dog-Texas Hold’em and dog-5-card-stud, was quickly shut down by PETA under the cruelty to animals act. For his involvement, Ho spent two months in celebutante Paris Hilton’s old jail cell.

“It’s all good” said a resilient Ho. “What’s that saying? Every closed door is an open window? People are always looking for special talents, and this horse hoof can be a blessing.”

Ho is currently trying out for the Toronto FC soccer team. He has also applied to a local Clown College.

Police raid "bizarre" chop shop

A police raid on a suspected chop shop ended in a bizarre twist early this morning in Toronto's west end. When Toronto police bursted into the privately owned warehouse, they were shocked to find the most bizarre array of automobile modifications they'd ever seen.

"It was like something out of Alice in Wonderland" said one officer.

Police had been on the search for over 50 stolen cars, as well as entire shipments of Honda, Mercedes, and Audi parts that had inexplicably disappeared from shops across the GTA. However, when they arrived at the scene early in the morning, they found that those missing cars and parts had been combined into strange, albeit unique creations.

"We were immediately suspicious when we saw an old Fiat with what appeared to be snowmobile skis out front" said one officer. "The dogs smelled motor oil so we knew we were at the right place."

Inside, police were shocked to find strange modifications of all sorts.

"There was a car shaped like a shoe, a car that looked like some kind of yellow cartoon rat... far too many for me to name. It's one of the craziest cases I've ever been a part of."

The shop's owner, a Mr. Jason Kwan, was arrested on site and brought to a local police station for questioning. When asked about his bizarre work, he told police "Ever since I saw the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile, I've had an obsession for modding cars. But it's just such an expensive passion! Then I came up with the perfect solution. Borrow people's boring, everyday cars, and mod them into unique works of art! I don't understand what the problem is here. I was going to return them after I was done, better than new! It was a solution that benefited everyone!"

It turns out Mr. Kwan had been involved in a similar incident two years ago in which a woman (who has requested to remain anonymous) parked her Hummer outside her apartment building, only to return the next day and discover her vehicle's tires had been replaced with wagon wheels!


"I'm glad they caught him" she said. "But at the same time, I do get more attention than ever in my new car. They're way better than spinners."

"That was my first work" Mr. Kwan admitted. "I'd just recently been to an Amish village and I just couldn't help myself. That inspiration was too strong to bottle up."

Due to the unprecedented nature of this case, Mr. Kwan is currently being held in custody while the court hammers out its options. In the meantime, the stolen vehicles are being returned to their rightful owners, though some of them are not in the some condition in which they were stolen.

"This is unbelievable" said Ms. Wendy Armstrong after her vehicle was returned. "I used to drive a BMW. Now I drive a pyramid."

Montreal woman goes for record 22nd marriage

It has been said that that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. However, if that statistic is an average, then they may want to rewrite the formula because Diana Hsiang is a major skew.

The 26 year old doctor-to-be is now into her 22nd engagement and, if she goes through with the wedding, would hold the Guinness world record for most weddings, beating Linda Lou Essex, yet in a much shorter time span.

When asked about her habit for marrying and then divorcing men, Diana seemed apologetic toward her previous suitors, yet saw no social problem with her actions.

"I don't know. My tastes just change so rapidly! One day I'll love a guy and then next day I'll wake up and hate his guts. I guess I'm just a bit schizophrenic."

Her suitors have ranged from men as young as graduating high school, to men on their deathbeds. Although it was suspected early on that Ms. Hsiang was running a scam, it turned out she never made off with any of her divorcee's assets.

"The money? No it was never about that. It was always about the love."

If one looks at her history, one would quickly conclude that Ms. Hsiang is not attracted to the "common" cast of characters. For example, her 8th husband was a professional dodgeball player convinced he was a pirate. "He was so hot! I think he reminded me of Johnny Depp. I mean, he looked so much like him, and when we went out everyone was always staring. I loved every always thinking I was Johnny Depp's lover!"












Husband number 16 was a Latvian dictator who refused to ever take a carefully crafted metal suit off. "I think that was when I went through my power phase. Power is sexy after all. I mean, how many girls can say they were married to a man with his own country!? He kept wanting everyone to call him "Doctor Doom," but he'll always be my puddy-kins!"











Ms. Hsiang's current husband-to-be goes by the name "Frank" (pictured below with maid-of-honor, Sophie) and runs a small burger shop in old Quebec. He measures a massive 7ft tall. "It's the height. I love tall men. I keep telling him to enter the NBA, but he keeps refusing. It's so cute, all he ever does is grunt at me."

It should be noted that Frank is currently under police investigation for claims of "not being human." Given Ms. Hsiang's history though, it hardly seems like that will stop him from becoming husband number 22.

Police continue search for bus stop pervert

A rash of incidents at Japanese bus stops continued Thursday as a man, 20-30, lifted up a school girl's skirt as she waited to go to school. The man then fled on foot and remains at large. This is the eleventh such incident in the past month.

"This man, he has no honor" said Japanese student Asako Tanaka. "If I ever meet him I will curse his family name!"

A passerby was able to snap a quick photo on a cell phone moments before the incident. This photo is now being posted as a warning at bus stops to alert young women to the potential danger.

"What we ask is for young girls to sit inside the bus terminal, or even to wear pants, though this is not an option in many schools. Also, be aware of your surroundings and try to ride the bus with a friend" said Japanese Bus spokesman, Hideki.

"We would also like to announce that we will start selling a line of security products starting today. These can be worn under the skirt and deliver a mild electric shock to anyone who tries to reach underneath. We also have an economy brand that works like a mousetrap."

The incidents reportedly began in mid-december when a man lifted 3 skirts at a rural bus stop. Since then, the individual seems to be moving inward towards the busier parts of the city.

"He was probably just some poor lonely guy before the holidays, someone who thought it'd give him some purpose. But now he's getting more gutsy" said Police Chief Morimoto. "Each 'attack'

has occured in increasingly populated areas. But it's just a matter of time. I have over a dozen undercover officers waiting with a nasty surprise the next time he shows up."

What was the nasty surprise that Chief Morimoto spoke of?

"They're men."

Although the police do not yet have a name for their suspect, they have made a computer generated artists rendition of the perpetrator. If seen, please call 1-800-STOP-HIM. Suspect is considered 'armed', and perverted.

Accidental Transgender

Meet Eldona Kao (left). You may not recognize her but you would definitely remember the trends in fashion she help set -- when she was a man. "He" (originally Eldon) was featured in numerous times in Vogue magazine as one of the boldest designer the world has seen and has won many fashion awards across the globe.

For Eldona, the transformation ended up costing her $125,000 worth of plastic surgery and Dr. Diana Hsiang was responsible for Eldona's transformation.

"There were like... health risk factors that I was like... I could not let him, her, leave without like ... helping him.. her." claimed a concerned Hsiang

Upon further investigation, Hsiang was found to be involved in several cases of medical malpractices. When asked about these allegations, Hsiang could not be reached for comments.

"Originally I went in for a routine check up," said Kao, "but she (Hsiang) kept on saying these things and forced me into surgery. I thought she was a competent surgeon, but I now know she's anything but."

For now, Eldona can only look forward. "I've had my nose done about three times, my forehead, my cheeks, my lips, my breasts, my thighs," she explained. "Thank the Lord for plastic surgeons, because without them, I would be nothing!" she says with a laugh. "I look at who I was and who I am now. I'm comfortable either way."

Despite all that has happened to Eldona, she continues her work in fashion and design. Her story is a part of "Trantasia," a new documentary on DVD.

Hopeful Breakthrough on Mental Retardation

For many children, the cause of their intellectual disability can be identified to the more common causes such as Down syndrome, fetal alcohol syndrome, birth defects, and infections – happen before birth. However, more often than not, some causes are simply inexplicable. 

As parents, we feel the need to reassure our kids that everything will be all right, but if your children are retarded, they will never be able to function normally in society no matter how much you reassure them.

For Kenneth Law (photo), reassurance did little as he lives with mental retardation his entire life. However, recent development at University of Ottawa Institute of Mental Health has found a way to allow his family communicate with little Kenneth.

For years, the Law family had thought of Kenneth as a slow-witted child who, despite the correctness savage beatings administered to him, still drinks out of the toilet.

"What did we do to deserve this abomination?" the Law family said. The belief that people with mental retardation are always happy, carefree, and content is a misconception. 

The family said Law was involved in a sock puppet incident where he filled them with his favourite snack, mud, and attempted to beat his imaginary pet to death. Unfortunately, since Law could not physically injure his pet, he got frustrated and ended up hurting himself by repeatedly gnawing on a pine cone until his mouth was bleeding.

Clearly for the Law's, a normal loving relationship is out of the question. They had come to accept their retarded child for what he is: a mildly amusing nuisance.

The University saw Law as a candidate for their behaviour correctness program, which they hope one day can help slowly introduce Law back into social settings.

The program involves achievement of obedience similar to treating house pets. It is a conditioning technique that allows the child to develop a routine through a reward / punishment exercises.

For example, if Law defecates in his food bowl more than once a day, then he will be forced to sleep outside in the rain. Or, if Law finishes tilling the fields before sundown, a piece of cake is left in his cage.

To date, studies have shown that this kind of technique improved Law's ability understand right and wrong. However, scientist are still struggling with his defecation problem.

Super hero "saves" civillian before being sent to mental institution

Up, up and away.  Earlier today, a costumed vigilante attempted to rescue a woman in the Bay and Dundas area who, apparently, did not need rescuing.

Paul Almeida (25), pictured here as his alter-ego "El-Blazo," swooped in when he saw a woman being held, seemingly against her will, by a man in a black jacket.  However, Mr. Almeida didn't realize that the man was simply helping the woman walk over a puddle.

"He was a nice gentleman" the 'victim' Emma Scott said.  "He was helping me step over a small puddle of icy water when this freak just showed up yelling out wearing a spandex workout suit, his underwear outside, and one of those mexican wrestler masks over his face."

Mr. Almeida then got into an altercation with the man, Viktor Machenko, which left her in the very puddle he was helping her avoid.  The two briefly traded blows before Mr. Machenko floored him with a brutal one-two punch.  

"I'm actually a former Russian heavyweight boxing champ" said the 250 lbs, 6'5 Machenko.  "I didn't want to hurt the guy, but he gave me no choice.  I don't know why he mistook me for a villain.  I guess it had something to do with my trenchcoat, or this black top hat, or perhaps my curly mustache and thin eyebrows."

"I guess in Soviet Russia, villain stops hero."

Police were quick to arrive on scene and revive Mr. Almeida.  However, when asked about his wild actions, the 25-year-old only uttered nonsensical jibberish.

"Did somebody say... justice!?  Evil-doers beware!  El-Blazo is here and I'm going to deal out some muy PICANTE punishment!"

Mr. Almeida then pushed aside the officers and attempted to flee in a very unorthodox manner. Using a homemade grappling gun, he hooked onto a nearby building and attempted to ascend to the rooftops.  Unfortunately, the common household string he used for the device was not sufficient to hold his weight.  The police were quick to apprehend him again and, after a struggle, sedated him for transport to a nearby mental institution.

Although neither Ms. Scott nor Mr. Machenko plan to press charges, police have requested that Mr. Almeida remain in the institution for further analysis.  

The Future of Art

World renowned artist Yukiko Otsu has opened the world's first gallery dedicated to crayon art works - some of which would revolutionize how people percieve art.

While other artists settles on conventional art style such as Impressionism or Realism, Otsu does not shy away from amalgamating all different types of art style and fuse it into an image exploding with feelings and emotions.

"This will be an art movement that will forever change the way people interprets art." proclaimed Otsu in an article in ArtReview magazine. "Why settle for one when you can have more?"

Why indeed. In her grand opening of the gallery last week, visitors were astonished by how she used the fusing of styles to fully express her art in a new way. 

Here we can see Otsu explored different themes and she goes on to explain how the art came about.

Awareness: "I wanted the focus on the face. The face should get all the attention. It is what defines this piece."

Erotica: "Cowboys turns me on. Everything about them. From their hats to their spurs, they ooze passion. The purple horse was for me, not for any particular reason. It compliments well."

Hair: "I had a thing for hair when I was putting this together. I just wanted hair on anything and everything. It worked out pretty well, but I think it could've used more hair."

Winter Wonderland: "This one was for the holidays, and I wanted to emphasize the importance of green presents and blue snowmen."

Self Portrait: "This is how I see myself and I think generally how people sees me. I am a spewage of overwhelming colours hence why I am colourless. As you can see I did not colour in my face." 

The Yukiko Otsu Gallery of Crayola Art will be open to the public all year round. More information can be found on her website: www.yukikotsu.com

Child star admits to substance-abuse

Julian Lo (left), a former child star best known for his contribution in the pop band "Rainbow 6," was spotted in a pool of his own vomit in Niagara Falls, Ontario.

When cops found Lo in Niagara Park early yesterday morning, they first busted him for loitering past the park's closing time. Then they noticed that Lo had a rope tied from his neck to his genitals, cheese in his pocket, and a sex toy in his boot.

This was not the first time Lo has shocked the media. In 2007, Lo openly admitted his relationship with his manager and best friend Matthew Lee (right) after a scandal arised from a sex tape that went viral.

Today Lo's publicist released a statement stating that the now 32 year old star will be entering rehabilitation. "He (Lo) is very confident that with the help and support of family, friends and his adoring fans that this time he will be able to overcome this addiction." This would be Lo's 5th time entering rehabilitation for his cheese addiction.

Since his days as a child star, Lo has involved himself in theatre productions and as a music producer. He currently resides in Seattle with his mother.

Queen Spadina reigns supreme

Spadina's performance last night was one of women's featherweight boxing's most vicious and violent knockout ever. 

Within 42 seconds of the first round, Spadina lands a heavy left hook to the head, stunning her opponent briefly and was about to finish her off until the referee intervened.

"As soon as she landed that blow, I knew the match was over." said the referee. "I had to stop the fight, otherwise Spandina would've killed her. She's an animal in the ring."

Jennifer Lau, 25, better known on the streets of Toronto as"Queen Spadina," is a mixed martial arts fighter that got her career started fighting in underground bare-knuckle boxing. 

Lau started working as a bouncer for a strip club until high school friend and current manager Eddie Tsang offered her a chance to earn some very needed money in unsanctioned street fights.

She is best known for several street fights which have spread primarily on the Internet. Lau left the underground fighting scene and has been undefeated ever sinced she signed a professional contract with Tsang.

(Clip from last night's match)

Man accosted in Rucker Park forced to leave city

A group of young men who went out for a game of basketball in New York City's famed Rucker park got much more than they planned for Tuesday afternoon. A playful hook shot by Talent Lam (pictured) curved off the rim before hitting a group of locals sitting on the sidelines.

"When those men stood up, you knew those poor young kids were in deep sh*t" said Gloria Roberts, who was passing by with her son JJ when the altercation broke out. "It was like David and Goliath. I just picked up my son and ran."

Although the details of various witness accounts differed, it was clear that one of the local gang members picked up Mr. Lam, put him on his shoulders, and then spun the young hoopster around, before tossing him aside.

"It was nothing, just a little scuffle" recounted a bruised and broken Talent Lam. "I just told my mom I got into a fight, but she got scared. She told me I'm movin' with my auntie and uncle in Bel-Air."

Upon arriving at Bel-Air, Mr. Lam whistled for a cab and when it came near, he saw it's license plate said "fresh" and had a dice in the mirror. If anything, that kind of cab is rare, but all Mr. Lam had to say was "Now forget it, yo homes to Bel-Air."

He pulled up to a house at about 7 or 8 and and yelled to the cabbie "Yo homes, smell you later." He looked at his kingdom, he was finally there, to sit on his throne as the prince of Bel-Air.

Man attacks baby in NYC

The Toronto native accused of beating a toddler was charged with battery & assault last Sunday night and was taken to the 9th Precinct in New York city where he spent the night.

"I didn't hit the baby!" Matthew Chan, 25,  yelled in Chinese as he was led out of the stationhouse on 321 East 5 street early Monday morning.

Brother David Chan stunned and managed only a "yes" when asked if he was innocent.

Cops said Chan admitted to having "accidentally" broke a mop handle he had recently purchased over the toddler, Kate, when her mother ran into him. 

Law enforcement sources said the toddler is in critical condition. The medical examiner ruled that Kate suffered 

injuries to her head, torso and extremities. "No accident could've done this to a child." said the examiner.

Chan's neighbors were stunned.

"Oh, my God, how can you do that to a kid?" said Annibel Hensen, 48. "I was shocked. ... he seemed like a normal person."

Chan suffers from Angry-Asian-Man syndrome, a condition that has haunted him throughout his entire life and made it impossible for him to show happiness without showing anger. It was thought that Chan's condition was becoming rarer in society, but unfortunately recent evidence appears to show that the Angry-Asian-Man syndrome is much more widespread than originally anticipated.